Jul 3, 2012

Contentment vs Accomplishment

Have you ever felt like you were broken? Had a completely overwhelming feeling that you were never going to be good enough to accomplish your truest and deepest desires in life? Rather it be marriage, family, children, job, your education, a relationship with a family member, a stronger relationship with your children or any goal you have in life. You just felt like you weren't built to conquer the one life goal. It especially hurts when you think you are good enough to do it but when you fail, you become overcome with the feeling of giving up. It's hard because the easier giving up is, I think the more dangerous it actually is for us as functional, responsible individuals. The easier we find ways at copping means that we will never focus on what is keeping us from being the greatest we can be and conquering our darkest demons.

We find contentment with the person we are today so that we do not have to face that reality that we need improvement to become the person we feel the desire to become tomorrow, always knowing we are worth so much more. The internal fire rages from time to time with passion and desire to achieve and we know that contentment will never satisfy us. We ultimately do whatever is necessary to not feel broken, even when we know it is not the right choice. We turn to destructive patterns of living, surrounding ourselves with people and engulfing ourselves in environments that will keep us from realizing our greatest levels of achievement. Most times we know it is destructive but if we don't face it and cope, we think everything will just be alright.


Everyone has a has a value level set for themselves. Unfortunately, it takes many levels of accomplishment to completely, truly and honestly know that we have succeeded. So we accomplish what we can and bust our arms patting ourselves on the back in the mean-while. I have done this action a million times over again. I know that I am not complete but it is easier to focus on my accomplishments than it is to face larger goals that feel impossible to fulfill. In the end, a trail will arise to remind me that I am not done with "ME" yet. Trust me, I know it sucks to feel great about life and all of a sudden have a situation remind you of that imperfection within that we have so well learned to ignore and forgive. The type of situation that no matter how far you run it is always there and it always reveals it's head in the most untimely fashions.

Recently I had an aggressive life changing experience that reminded just how broken I am. I am Emotionally Imbalance! I will become so angry that I would fight a lion, tiger, bear and anything else that stood in my way. I have always known and realized I had an over abundance of emotion but I have always found ways to excuse it. I would say, "That's just me, I am the way I am, it is who I was meant to be and I can't change it". Even more emphatically hysterical, I would practice my favorite quote of ease, cope and the ultimate cop out, "God made me this way for a reason, He has a plan for me". Honestly, I can not afford to believe this. I know that I am not Jesus but I refuse to be Judas, which means I will not accept that God's desire or the Universal will for me is to be destine for fulfilling a negative destiny.The truth is that there is a changeable flaw within me and I am trying work through it. I know I will never be happy in life settling for being lessor than the man I want or need to be. Any continuance of living through the actions of contentment will never make me happy. I am happy when I am succeeding and anything less is unacceptable. Working on being the person I truly want to be is a full-time job complete with ever larger than the last setbacks. I will always reach a level of comfort, convenience and confidence and begin to believe that I have conquered all. Unfortunately, the world does not work that way, so trails, tribulations and conflict arise to test my stability. Almost with the of Big Ben's inner clock-workings, I begin to fulfill  the prophecy of feeling failure so again I will flee.


The amazing difference in my most recent setbacks I have faced is that instead of anger management situations, they were the emotions of love that moved beyond my control. Now I have understood for the better part of 10 years now that my emotional instability was more than my lack of controlling my anger but actually not having a handle on any of my emotions in any direction. I  have always exploded when I felt strongly about anyone or anything. Rather I am In Love or I am Angry, I Go Hard. In the past I have built the tools necessary to control my anger and so in turn I would believe that I am healed or resolved of my "Incredible Hulk Conflict". This was because I would deny the reality that my emotions were completely out of control in every aspect. With every passing situation I gained more insight on my anger but never would not always examine the total emotional package.

I think the most difficult part of accepting I have a complete emotional problem is also accepting the fact that my pure potent passion have always been poured into my poetry, music, arts, philanthropy and my humanist disposition. I have a gift and a curse and balancing this gift and curse is the hardest test I have faced in life. Greater than any and all material accolades or societal achievement. I have to be the man that I have to be and no temporary cheap thrill will fulfill that.

Being honest with myself is admitting that I struggle most in my dating patterns. I have experienced relationships with women that I have felt strongly about (some more than others) and I have promised marriage to women that I loved rationally but knew I did not have that burning desire for. I would seek out relationships of convenience in order to better deal with my emotional dysfunction. It was easier for me to conceal, confine and/or deny myself an emotional connection than face the disappointment and fear of never fulfilling my goals, desires, dreams and achieving true self-satisfaction.

Recently, I had a relationship end with an awesome woman. I thought she could, should and would be my wife. Unfortunately the balance and my stability of emotional control were not there. I was going incredibly hard and I knew it but had no desire to stop. As the relationship ended, my emotions spiraled even further out of control and angry and madness took over. The one thing I learned is that the feelings I had for her let me know that settling is not an option or something I can ever do. None of the casual dating, philandering, random sexual encounters or rational long-term relationships will work for me. I acknowledge that I am broken but not beyond repair. I am facing what is broken about me, I will work through my short comings so that I may fulfill my purest desire.





2 comments:

  1. I loved it Kevin! Imiss you please text me 909-809-4729 love Melinda

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  2. Hey Kevin, hope all is well with ya!

    ReplyDelete