DYING TO LIVE & LIVING TO DIE

Good Morning Family

Yesterday I got some negative news and admittedly I took it pretty roughly.

I not only lost out on job as a commercial driver but found out I lost control of my diabetes, hyper-tension and renal failure (kidneys) but also there is blood in my urine. Obviously, I'm sure it's to imagine that it was not easy being told and reminded that once again, you will die within the next decade (especially, after fighting so hard to reverse and resend these health issues just 9/10 months ago).

I do not tell you this looking for sympathy for myself but as a testimony to all my younger friends, family and followers. When we are in are younger adult lives, 20s and 30s, we believe that we are for the most part immortal. We eat, drink and smoke like there is no tomorrow and dismiss the thought that these harmful health & life choices will more than likely catch up with us. The reality is that it does catch up and for me it has.

Today, (like a year and a half ago) I face not only the reality of my poor health cutting my life short but more importantly and definitely more stressful, leaving behind my love ones to bury me. Many of us have children, spouses and other love ones that depend on us. Some of you have been trying desperately to begin families as I had been for many years. Alcohol, drugs found in our processed foods, the 200+ drugs other than THC found in marijuana and the 50+ additional drugs outside of nicotine found in cigarettes are killing us and leaving many love ones broken and forced to keep moving on after we are already gone.

I hope I am not sounding completely preachy at this point. God knows I have already lived my life of excess, free spirited and care-free like a constant party, making me sound like a complete hypocrite. I just want you to know that the blunts, burgers and beers seem harmless now but it sucks when your sitting on that exam table in the doctor's office and they're telling you how your time is limited. When the doctor is speaking and all you can think about is who do you talk to to beg for more time. When your pulling out of the parking lot and you just remember how you signed a 48 month loan on a Nissan that you must figure out how to pay off so no one will be stuck with your bill. You think of mortgage and rent? You think of who will walk your daughter down the aisle at her wedding? Who will give your son advice? Who will love them and care for them like you do?

My new reality begins today and I can not change that but you can.

Just Think About It....

(Untitlted)

I whisper words of endearment that lack wisdom

daily begging to be forgiven but no one's feeling it
so I'm ripping, my heart from my chest much like a rose deep rooted
but have you ever imagined the tears of the garden when her children are executed
& again,
your told to just give-up
your told that fighting is futile
your told it's an impossible mission your facing
your told that being happy and being sane are an impossible combination


Lord...
Have...
Mercy...
Please give me patience, wisdom and the understanding to continue living
because surviving and contentment breeds resentment and I don't know how to be giving
anything less than 360%...I need to fight for life like your son did
but I need to know did Adam cry when you took his rib?
How did you not cry when they executed your kid?
Teach me how to live and how to except it when my compassion is under-appreciated
How to put me first and how to move forward and not let my heart be contaminated 
Teach me to fish everyday with a smile on my face, insane and unashamed
Believe in Love, continue the fight and the courage to continue the path unafraid