God's Will vs. Salaam's Will

It is the Wednesday before Father's Day & of course that time of the year that a brother really starts feeling down...

Unfortunately, this Father's Day is becoming even more & more difficult to deal with do to several relationship changes I have faced in the last 3 months. The ending of a 15 month relationship with my ex-girlfriend, Julie & her 4 children is hard. When u begin to compound that with the absence of Jade & Ayden from my life does not make it any easier. And finally you add in my most recent relationship defeat between Patricia & I with-in the last 72 hours you have a mix that is hyper explosive...

Now, I always try to think optimistically about the future but today it is becoming increasingly more difficult to look towards brighter tomorrows. I am not young anymore & have come to the realization that I will never have a child that is biologically mine, which means that I will never have the rights that so many fathers ignore. I will never look into the eyes of my son or daughter on their 1st day of school or on their wedding day. I will never become over run with joy on their birthday in the hospital & I will never experience knowing that my father's name will live on. I will never see these things.

I am not sure what the plan is that God has for me but I do know what it is I desire for myself and it is not to just be a bump in the road of everyone else's family journey & success. Every year at this time I begin to feel more and more like Job and Lot from the Old Testament Bible. I feel as if God is making an example of me or testing me by destroying everything around me. Every relationship I have fails for one reason or another and in the wake of these great devastating demoralizing defeats are children that I have become attached to when their father's are nowhere to be found. Every year another Father's Day rolls around and I am forced to remember what I will never have. I remember the 1st one, the Father's Day I had to deal with great loss.. A birthday that would have fallen about the same time as Ayden's in October/November that will never be. She/He would have been 12 years old right now if my baby was not aborted on my birthday, July 9, 1998...

I ask God to return to me a positive outlook on what Father's Day can be. I think of Him and my father, who is a great man although he is not always perfect. My father fell in love with my mother after returning from Vietnam and took on the responsibility of raising 4 children that were not biologically his & then creating another son after marriage which is me. We do not discuss this in my family for many reasons.

I Love My Father and Admire the Sacrifices that he continuously made and makes to this day. I think many forget what he has had to persevere over the last 40/45 years. We are quick to remember the bad decisions he has made with finances and maybe frown when he is not as willing to leap from his easy-chair and accompany us to a movie or basketball game. I however, do remember every day I have disappointed him. I remember the day he told me that I may not legally change my name to Salaam when I was 21 years ld because I am the only way his name will leave on in purity as I am his only biological son. I feel I disappoint him everyday, whether he himself still feels that way or not. I do remember every headache I have had to cause him when I had to seek his help in repairing the disasters my over-active mind conceived throughout my 37 years of living.

I know God has a plan for me, the same way he had a plan for my father. My only concern is that he delivers or reveals a positive part of it to me before I am to weak to continue on to the day that it will be fulfilled.

Happy Father's Day to All the Real Dads & Step-Dads Out There Busting Their Humps for Their Children & remember to let God's Will Be Done...


also read: http://unclesalaam.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-fathers-day.html