Gift & Curse

(It has taken me some time to realize that I started and continuously have posted essays and poems on this blog site that are controversial and writings that come from my heart and soul.
The blog that I have posted below originally was written and quietly published several years ago but I think it will forever remain relevant to many today
So I have re-posted
I hope it helps You or Someone You Love...)

One of the hardest things in the world for me to do...
is to admit to my weakness.
The difficulty I find to look someone in the face and tell them that I do not know why I did that is outrageous.
The hardest thing for me to do once someone knows my weakness, is to ask them for help.

I have just recently admitted to having an adult form of A.D.H.D., which honestly is not that hard for me to say right now. I usually admit this to anyone that I become acquainted with for anything longer than five minutes. Actually for the most part see it as "A Gift".
I very seldom focus on discussion of how negatively this simple dis-ease affects me.

I hold "my gifted thought process" responsible for creating every poem I have ever written, every song, rapp, script, any and everything I have ever done artistic.
I also contribute "The Gift" with every reason why I love so strongly.
Why I give so endlessly.

What I struggle with though, crumbles in comparison."The Gift" is less than the ultimate nothingness when measured next to the "The Curse".
I lay in my bed every night with my mind over run by a billion thoughts. I write a million pieces poetry that I would faint if I saw someone reading. I will actually have a full blown conversation in my head some days. I will be talking to you and not hear one word you said because I have went on vacation within my own thoughts. The worse part of the last statement is that sub-consciously I heard every thing and can repeat it all back to you, but it never makes a connection in my mind.

Having Adult A.D.H.D. has been the best & worst thing ever. I have soiled thousands of friendship/relationships, and driven wedges thru business relationships as well.

I still struggle daily trying to figure out what is most important to me...
Writing or Relationships?
I have taken medications to calm my mood changes and focus my thoughts but as I told my mother one day, "I can't live without the music in my thoughts"
what I was trying to tell her that although I was much more focused of the simpler necessary task of the day and that I am potentially a more productive person...
I Can Not Live With Out the Music & Rhythm that My Mind, Soul & Blood Flows With...